Grieving during a pandemic, on Mother's Day

We lost Boo, my mother a little over three years ago and since that moment I have had the inevitable misfortune of learning to live with loss. Grief, at the best of times keeps a low profile, bubbling up a memory - whether painful or pleasant - here and there when something sparks that corner of my brain where I store the most precious moments. When grief hits hard, it can feel like getting locked inside a crashing wave. With it comes intrusive, often unpleasant memories from when she was sick, anxiety, irritability, deep sadness and every now and then a fresh and shocking realisation that I am now a Motherless Child.

When the pandemic hit, suddenly the world became united in dealing with a global crisis, grieving life as we had known it together in arms. News of COVID19, daily death stats and reportage from the frontline consumed TV stations, papers and my social newsfeeds. Work quickly pivoted to a 100% remote working model while we were instructed to only leave the house for essential services. Suddenly those daily thoughts of my mum - regardless of how happy or sad - were gone. So overwhelmed by everything going on around me, the capacity to remember her quickly diminished. I’ve only been able to see her face through tightly shut eyes.

Mother’s Day this year has been different. Companies are using physical distancing as a central piece of their marketing campaigns - can’t be with Mum this Mother’s Day? Spoil her with X even if you can’t be together to show her how much you care - it’s the usual triggering onslaught of unwanted emails and promoted posts, but it’s hit harder than usual. With relentless coverage about how difficult it is for mothers and children alike to not see each other in person today, the knowledge that I will never be able to see mine again quite literally feels like I’ve been sucker punched. Being forced to remember my mum when I’m struggling to remember her fills me with doubt about how I was as a daughter, whether I did enough, whether she knew I adored her. What did I get her for the last Mother’s Day we had to celebrate? I just don’t know and can’t recall.

I wish I could remember.